Bienvenidos!

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seven days old.

So, we're still in the hospital. He's still having formula top-ups, which I hate. I'm still not convinced my milk is in yet. My boobs are definitely bigger but I haven't had any of this waking up with two footballs on my chest that the antenatal classes talked about. MiniMoo is currently sleeping in my arm. If I put him down he gets restless and starts crying within 5 minutes, so i'm not going to get any sleep anyway. I thought I may as well update to keep myself awake.
Had a weird moment when the consultant came round earlier with his entourage, as one of them was in my year at med school. Felt very strange to be talking about my boobs in front of him. The consultant tends to contradict himself. He wants us to stay in again to be weighed in the morning, and can 'possibly' go home if minimoo has put enough back on, but when I asked about going today he said what are we doing here that can't be done at home? You tell me! You're the one that wants him to stay in...
I'm starting to get anxious about minimoo's intake, which bugs me. They're monitoring his fluid balance and initially I got told he needed an extra 30ml top-up at every feed, which was hard work. Now it seems they're assessing what proportion of his requirements are being met with the formula as a surrogate marker for how much he's getting from me. Now, since I was pushing him to take the extra feeds it looks like all of his intake is formula. It bothes me that this might be reducing my own milk supply, and I don't want minimoo getting lazy and preferring a teat over me because it's easier to suckle from. I'm worried my milk won't come in properly. All I wanted was to be able to breastfeed this beautiful little boy, and I hate that he's having formula because I can't meet his needs.
It's also frustrating that he won't settle at night. He is great during the day when mum and supermoo are here but as soon as they've gone he gets restless, constantly rooting and crying. I can put him to the breast one after the other but everytime I think he might stay asleep afterward he wakes up and starts again. If it was daytime he'd have a good couple of hours sleep. I end up offering him the bottle becausr it's more likely he will settle afterward, so I hate that the bottle satisfies him more than I do and feel guilty that i'm relying on it to give myself a break. I miss my supermoo too. It's awfully isolating here with just me and minimoo.
He's so beautiful, I could watch him sleeping for hours.. I'm going to try putting him down again now but bet he doesn't stay asleep when I do.
I have to keep telling myself it will get better. I'm just not sure I believe me.

4:02 a.m. - 2011-12-14

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