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Happy birthday, Daddad

Happy birthday, Daddad.

It's our first one without you. Today would have been your 80th. It feels strange- although you had so many health problems it never felt like you were really that old. In my mind you were still about 68.

I'm sad you never got to meet baby G. He's a smasher; you would have loved him! We found out we were expecting him the week before you died, and I'm sorry we didn't tell you. We didn't actually tell anyone until your funeral the following month. I cried so hard that day. I thought I'd be able to hold it together more than I did. As it happened the tears started as soon as I walked in and saw your coffin and didn't stop until we were all outside. I so wanted to say a last goodbye as we were leaving but didn't know if I was allowed to approach your coffin.

I know there were a rocky couple of years after what happened between Robert and Mum but I think having Emilio helped bring us back together again. I loved how proud you looked whenever we brought him round. I miss how you used to boom at me when we showed up, how you called me 'my darlin'.

I loved how you obviously adored Mamma. Especially that you would take her a cup of tea in bed in the mornings, before your health caught up with you. I wish Narnie and Grandpa could have taken a leaf out of your book. It makes me so sad to see their constant bickering, nagging, undermining and admonishing.. They don't know how lucky they are to still have each other.

I hope that your last days and hours were as comfortable as they could have been, given the circumstances. I wouldn't have been able to forgive myself if I hadn't made it back in time. I hope you knew I was there. I'm sorry I didn't stay the night. I hope you went peacefully in the end. I know I don't believe in an afterlife as such, but I hope if some echo of you still endures somewhere, that you know you are still loved and cherished, and your garden is growing strong.

I love you Daddad.

10:02 p.m. - 2015-05-17

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