Bienvenidos!
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05/05/2020
Dear Diary,
I called the NHS support line this evening. My mum sent me the number. The woman who answered sounded like a feather pillow. I snivelled through the whole call. I couldn't handle it - I had to break it off after about 15 minutes. I don't know what I thought I would get out of it. She whispered that the way I am feeling is a perfectly reasonable response to an unexpected upheaval. Is it though?
The problem at the moment is that you don't see what other people are really like behind their closed doors. Are other mothers hiding in their bedrooms crying while their children play in the next room? Are other parents being blindsided by this awful, crushing, soul-eating apathy that leaves them staring blankly into nothing?
I'm not generally good with feelings: neither talking about my own nor handling other people's. I have never liked to admit that I'm struggling. Maybe that is part of the problem.
So deep breath, here we go...
I am veering wildly between feeling almost happy, ok-ish, flat, empty and miserable. Flat and empty is probably the worst of them all... At those times even breathing feels like an enormous expenditure of limited energy. I cannot face my children and their need for my emotional stability, so I feel like I am failing them and leaving M to pick up after me. During the misery I just want to draw them to me and hold them and weep and never let them go, which is not healthy for them either. I am struggling with managing their days when I am at home. I am exhausted and cannot drag myself out of bed much before 8:30 on the days I am off, so by the time everyone has been corralled downstairs and I have enough caffeine on board to kick my brain into gear and get them fed and washed and dressed half the morning is gone. Then trying to persuade them to do anything structured is such a battle, especially with G (5). He hates having to read, hates practising his writing even more and pronounces every task 'BORING!'. E (8) is a little more amenable, though will do the bare minimum of any task I set him if there's something else grabbing his attention. Fortunately, he is a curious and literate child who is enjoying working his way through my old Horrible Histories books and the multitude of popular and children's science books we have at home. He may not be going into depth, but he is gaining a breadth of knowledge while he is off. He would still rather be playing with Lego, watching TV or be on the playstation though, given the choice.
M is 'working' from home. It all seems fairly laid back and the last Teams meeting I overheard was them discussing what is good on Netflix. But he still spends most of the days that I am home at his laptop. I haven't looked.
I volunteered for redeployment, but rather than being moved to the front lines I was asked to join a dedicated Death Certification team, working to ensure the certificates were completed quickly so that the mortuary wasn't overwhelmed. I am actually quite enjoying this work, so the days that I am in and my brain is engaged I don't feel too bad. The problems start when I step back through the door.
I feel guilty, constantly. I feel like I'm not being a good enough home teacher, home manager, cleaner, referee, organiser or mother. I am exhausted all the time yet having trouble sleeping. I lie awake in bed with my mind whirring and when I do drop off I keep waking up. It doesn't help that the boys aren't sleeping well either. Changes in routine always affect E so it has been particularly bad for him. He won't go to sleep. After an initial wobble with their bedtimes we are back to more or less their usual routine but he is frequently awake for more than two hours after we've said goodnight. And it's not that he just lies there awake. He needs constant reassurance that he's safe and not alone, so one of us ends up sitting outside their bedroom for at least an hour and then still having to run back every 15 minutes after that otherwise he starts panicking and howling. It means we don't get any downtime until after 10pm most nights, so it's difficult to get anything done. Then after he's gone to sleep and we've gone to bed we get G getting up in the early hours of the morning and running in to our bed. It is partly our fault for not taking him back, but before the lockdown I would not wake up when he came in so he got used to it. Now if we try to take him back he's the one who starts howling. And he still wets the bed, so some nights we're up at 3:30am stripping sheets and washing him down. And then I'm the only one still having to get up early on the days I'm in, so on my work days I will be kissing people goodbye while they're still tucked up in bed at 7:30am.
Going shopping feels like an ordeal. There's the planning, making sure I have a comprehensive list so I know what we're all going to be eating for the week so I don't forget anything because there's no such thing as nipping to the shops any more, is there... Then the keeping apart, staying in your lane, trying not to double back.. And people seem to be less friendly at the moment as well. There's this pervasive atmosphere of fear and suspicion the whole time.
Food is unappealing. I used to look forward to it but don't really any more. That's no fun. The flipside of that is that I will then comfort eat and snack on stuff I really shouldn't. I'm so glad we are getting free canteen meals in the hospital at the moment because that's one less thing I need to think about.
It's hard having nothing to look forward to. All the hobbies that took me out of the house are now gone, for who knows how long. I don't know when I will be able to see my parents again.
I feel like I'm letting the Beavers down, when I see all the things that other colonies are managing to do.. It's just too hard trying to juggle home and my new rota and thinking stuff up for them as well.
I feel like all the joy has gone from my life. I am finding it hard to smile, to find reasons to be happy. I know being active is supposed to help but it's difficult to dredge up the energy to exercise, and we definitely haven't been taking advantage of our daily walk allowance. When the lockdown started and definitely around my Grandpa's funeral I had such a desire to drink myself into oblivion, just to make myself forget what was going on.. thankfully that desire has now been replaced with yet more apathy.
It's hard trying to write all this down, to put into words what I'm feeling because I keep losing track. And reading through it all sounds like so much self-indulgent moaning..
Whatever happened to keep calm and carry on...
8:08 p.m. - 2020-05-05
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