In the end, it doesn't even matter

The show must go on... the show must go on. Inside, my heart is breaking.

Does anybody know what we are living for?

I miss people.

Warning: I talk about dead people here.
The death cert team is being disbanded after this weekend, and if I'm honest, I don't want to go back to the day job. The dead are peaceful and undemanding. Their problems are over, and it is only the living who complicate things.
Yesterday I went into the cold room to check the identities of two of my charges. I needed to locate the battery box for a spinal stimulator on one and was worried I would have to un-shroud him to find it but it was on his side. His belly was still soft.
When they unzipped the bag for the second, her face was turned towards me and uncovered, as if she were looking straight at me. Her skin had not yet taken on the waxy yellowishness of most of the recently departed. It was as if she was in suspended animation. There was drool on her shoulder, since her head was turned to the side. I checked her wristband, and they sealed her back inside her plastic cocoon. I wonder who will look after her son now..

I have a lot of restless energy at the moment and I don't know how to release it. Today I made soda bread and tortillas. I fidget a lot but can't seem to do anything productive. I can't clear the house out because I can't take anything anywhere. The recycling centre and the charity shops are still closed, so all I end up doing is bad-temperedly moving stuff round like one of those kids' push-the-squares-round puzzles. My online singing group is starting to annoy me because it's all, we're apart, but together.. no we're bloody not! We're apart and it sucks and I'm sick of singing optimism and acceptance when what I want to do is scream. Maybe I should put on some Linkin Park or Evanescence and just wallow. I put Train on this afternoon and sang really loudly with the kitchen door open. Stuff the neighbours. They can listen to me belting like it or not.

I need to know that things are going to look up, cos I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup...

9:27 p.m. - 2020-05-16


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