Bienvenidos!

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05/06/20

I used to like exercise. The getting sweaty, the feeling strong. Partly it was vanity and partly because I wanted to feel... I don't know.. self-reliant? Like if I needed to lift a rock off my kid or chase after a lion I could do it without having to rely on someone else? I don't know. But anyway. Now.. that all seems to have gone. I daydream about rejoining the ranks of the lithe while simultaneously finding comfort in homemade cakes and biscuits while reproachfully prodding my ever-expanding gut.. but currently I have zero energy and don't know how to dredge it back up.
We took the boys to the park fairly frequently when the weather was nice even though all I wanted to do was melt into a puddle of apathy and stay there all day. But I walked there, and moved around, even if I didn't run. But my goodness.. I couldn't believe the amount of litter all over the place.. Plastic bottles, cans, food wrappers, just everywhere! Why are people so bloody selfish? And it's all over the news too, people flocking out to 'beauty' spots and leaving all their crap behind them.. What is wrong with you?! On one of the trips I had some gloves left in the backpack I cart the kids stuff around in so I went around the play area picking stuff up.. must have been about 15 bottles and god knows how much other junk.. I didn't do the field or the football pen and could see it all around the edges. People are arseholes. Not all of them. But those who just don't care if they ruin things for others.

This week has been........ a repetition of E not falling asleep, so us going to bed late, to be woken up by G in the middle of the night, and consequently sleeping in later than planned, then repeating the whole shebang. Trying to keep up with some schoolwork, feeling overwhelmed by how much they actually are not doing compared with what's being put on the school website, and wondering how on earth other families are managing when getting them to concentrate on a task feels like pulling teeth. And I don't have the reserves to engage in these battles of wills at the moment. I haven't had another day of empty nothingness like last week; mostly it's been a low level background hum of feeling uptight, restless, irritated and short-tempered. Although today I melted. It must have been about half four. I can't remember what I had been trying to do but I went upstairs and prostrated myself on the bed. The boys found me after about ten minutes and were climbing all over me like lion cubs.. but M ushered them out and closed the door and let me stay there. I must have fallen asleep, woke up kind of cold then crawled to the pillows and lay down and flipped the duvet over me and didn't move for another two hours. M got the boys ready for bed and I got up to say goodnight then decamped to the sofa and have been here since, apart from having to go up to E who was still awake and intermittently crying until 11pm again.

I love my kids but the past couple of months of being in each others pockets all the time has been intense. When they're finally allowed to go and stay with their grandparents again I would very much like to check myself into a hotel for a couple of nights by myself and just be responsible to and for no-one.

11:29 p.m. - 2020-06-05

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