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Hummel

So, call me late to the party. I've recently started watching Glee. I'd only ever seen a couple of episodes from season 1 before but bloody hell, I'm obsessed!

It's stirring up a lot of weird feelings though. Nostalgia and regret, wistfulness.. I loved school. I was good at it but I had no idea who I was back then. Or maybe I was starting to and then along came uni and I felt like I had to fit in a bit more, I don't know. And I know, it's just a scripted show but it really makes me wish I could go back and do it again, but do it better.
It's Kurt, Kurt's character is the key, I think. The way he knows completely who he is and just owns it. At first I was like, aww, I wish he was my son, but now it's like I wish I could spend a day being him. It's sad isn't it, in my mid 30s wishing to go back and be a teenage boy. I'm in complete denial about how old I am. Being an adult sucks. And I remembered, years ago, I had a dream that I had changed gender and in my dream I had renamed myself Kurt.. maybe that's why it's resonating with me, because that was my 'boy' name. And that kiss, his first kiss with Blaine.. oh, I must have gone back and watched it about a dozen times since.. it gives me the same jolt down in my gut every time.. his little intake of breath, and the way they made it a proper full on kiss, not just a little disappointing lip brush.. my god it makes me feel drunk..

I've been introspecting a lot lately. The whole covid-forced re-valuation of my career has triggered a lot of soul searching on other things too. Harking back to that entry I made a couple of years ago... Why do I feel so uncomfortable looking feminine? Do I hate my hips and my belly so much- more so than usual thanks to depressive comfort carb bingeing - because they make me look more female? I was following a diet and exercise plan last year and loving the fact that I could see my abs coming back. I like it when my arms have definition. I am wondering if I'm genderqueer. In my head I refer to myself as wonky.. I need to ask myself some hard questions about the state of my marriage. I am afraid of opening that box though. No closing it again after..

10:29 p.m. - 2020-08-14

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