This is me

Last weekend I took the boys to visit my parents again. On Friday night though, I waved them goodbye and went and checked into a nearby-ish hotel for a night completely on my own. It was so relaxing.. workout in my room, dinner with a glass of wine and a book, long conversation with a bestie, snarfling two custard tarts while watching Glee on Netflix in bed. A full night's uninterrupted sleep. A gym mostly to myself. Breakfast in peace, with a book.. bliss. I also ordered something I've been thinking about for a while, and it arrived this week.
I ordered a chest binder. It felt like a dirty secret though and I stashed it away upstairs.
This morning, after the boys had been safely deposited at school, I made myself a 100% dark hot choc and finally started a conversation with M about all the crap that's been buzzing around in my head for the past few years. I was humbled by how well he took it all, actually. Hearing his perspective on he's been observing everything and how little it's really bothered him made me cry. Like how he's been trying to give me space, not presuming any physical contact even though he misses it. How he has watched me drop more and more of the typical female trappings and not batted an eye. Knowing my orientation before we started going out and accepting it. Asking what I want, how I see myself and how I want to be and not judging.. I think I haven't been giving him nearly enough credit and it was such a relief to hear all that. I told him about the binder and again, no judgement. So maybe we'll be ok. Different, but ok.
I think adolescents growing up now have it so much easier with the whole gender spectrum thing. It's all online, they've grown up knowing how to find communities and validation for who they are. I spent years feeling uneasy in my skin, chopping my hair off then growing it back, dressing up in boy clothes in my room then putting the girl costume back on. Would I have been more comfortable being myself if I had access to that as a teen? Who knows. I am here and I am now, and I can flatten my chest and wear my T shirts and chinos and still sing like a girl and I will be ok with this.

8:55 p.m. - 2020-09-04


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