Bienvenidos!
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Who is El-April?
i'm down again, dont know why. maybe its because of the ER episode i just watched but thats so pathetic. maybe it just exacerbated what was already there. one thing i hate about this diary is its publicity. i feel like i cant write what i'm really feeling because people read it and they'll know, and its not even like i have a reason for feeling this way sometimes. i have fantastic friends, a wonderful family, i'm making something of my life, so why act like the whole world died? they didn't.
mortality scares me. i read about the diseases of old age and dread growing up. i feel suffocated thinking how fast my life is going and regret so much not making the most of my childhood, for being a bitchy teenager and for making such a mistake with that damn son of a bitch of an ex. even now i cant stop getting angry about that, and i know it means he still has a hold on me because i get so riled at myself. i cant exorcise his bloody demons. he stole me from my family for nearly a year and i let him do that. why? even when i knew he'd just find some reason to make me cry yet again, why did i stick with the bastard? bloody mindedness? laziness? convenience? or just my hate of having to face up to consequences? see if i'd have done it while i was still in hucknall i would be infinitely contactable and would probably have had to see him around. breaking up at uni was just so much easier... but hell i so should have done it earlier.
i'm afraid of failing my first year exams. for the first time i havent been pushed to do the work and so i slacked, and blamed it on their not giving us enough time... i'm such a loser. i'm not really smart. i make stupid mistakes. i lose words. i forget things, hell i hardly learn them in the first place. in school it was so easy, everything was just handed to you on a plate, there were always people there to check you understood and set you right but there's no-one to do that here. i dont know if i can handle that.
i hate the way i am sometimes. in myself i see so much that i despise.. pettiness, cold calculation, false modesty, feeling blue without good reason. its not depression so that's one point for the home team. i hate it when people say they're depressed and they're not. but fuck i really need to snap out of this. i dont think i've been right all day, mum noticed something but i couldnt quite pin it so i said i was ok... what is there to tell?
i dont know if i'm going to regret putting this entry up or not.. there's so much more going on in my head that i want to tell but not to the whole world..
i wish El-April were real. i wish i had more time. i wish hippogriffs and dragons existed. i wish i'd been better behaved when i was younger. i wish my life had more meaning. i wish i knew what i want.
i wish i could write exactly how i really feel. i wish i knew.
10:58 p.m. - 2004-06-01
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