Bienvenidos!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

stuff is rubbish

i'm in a kind of annoyed mood at the moment. on top of all the previous friends who currently hate me, new crush also told me on saturday night/sunday morning that he didnt want to see me in that way anymore, and can we Just Be Friends? so i spent the rest of sunday eating junk and moping and wondering why i'm not good enough for him, before deciding that it's his loss because i'm fabulous but boys are stupid anyway. doesnt stop it stinging though. you try and live by the 'dance like no-one's watching, love like it's never going to hurt, laugh like you'll never cry' mantra but when you do dive in with your heart and soul and let yourself fall for someone, it ends up hurting more than if you held back... well of course it does. although, as break-ups go, it was the best one i'll probably ever have. i've got the rebound feeling now though, and i hate that. went to see emma and katie last night instead, just got on the train to huddersfield and spent the night at their place. it helped a lot, just being with them again, talking, eating chinese food, cake and ice cream. kate and bob are on a break at the moment as well so i hope it helped kate a bit. we'll see.

now i have to figure out what to reply to meg. i know i seem so selfish being here in liverpool and not talking to her as often as i should and when i'm home i don't visit even though i've said i will... and she's disappointed in me, which is worse than being cross. and every time i try and justify things my reasons are rubbish. 'it's different being away from home all the time'. 'it's tricky trying to fit everyone in when i come home for the weekend'. and i know i've said it before and it sounds silly, but another reason just important is that i get nervous. meg has always been very sarcastic and i am by nature extremely gullible and can't hold my own in an argument. so talking to her always made me a little nervous as i would feel a bit stupid not being able to come back with my own jibes in return. it's difficult to explain coherently... it might sound stupid and paranoid (but i get like that sometimes) but sometimes it felt like she was trying to get one-up on me and i couldnt win. i was always the one at the butt of my friends' jokes and usually i was ok with it because i hoped they didnt mean it... but it has meant i've become a bit wary talking to meg and so i miss things because i'm so used to being teased. i don't think that's explained the feeling properly, but it's something like that. and with meg being still back in notts and with everything that happened in sixth form with me cutting myself off from everyone for so long, it felt like she didnt need me because of hannah and nicki, and now her friends at university. i know we've talked about this before so this point i concede. i'm sorry for not being in touch as often as i should. i'm sorry for not paying enough attention to the things she was hiding. ~(although, i draw your attention to her guestbook entry of the 12th of january...) i'm sorry for not being perceptive enough. i'm sorry for being unreliable. for getting scared and having to take a step back from her for so long before i let myself think about it all. for letting things get this bad. for not being there for her. for still not being there. for using university as an excuse. for my deteriorating people skills. for being too wrapped up in my own rather insignificant problems. i'm sorry and i feel bad and i don't know how to make things better this time, or even if i can.

11:43 a.m. - 2005-03-15

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------