Bienvenidos!

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every silver lining has a cloud... or several

ok, i admit it, i suck as a friend. karina hates me and meg thinks i'm not interested in her anymore... i know why, it's because i always say i'll come over then i never do, and i always have the same reason/excuse: i was busy, i didnt have enough time. and i always forget to bring her stuff back. will post buffy this week. i will admit, sometimes i get a bit nervous about going round to meg's because i feel like i'm starting to lose the ability to relate to people one-to-one... i feel fine in a group where the attention isnt concentrated on just me and i don't have to be interesting and have things to talk about all the time; where i can just chip in when i have something to contribute. when there's just two i worry about awkward silences and having to resort to small talk with the people i'm supposed to be comfortable with. i don't know if this has been something which has developed or just a resurfacing... i get nervous talking to new people by myself because of the fears of having nothing to say and my finding my own voice so irritating, and because i say the wrong things and trip over my words, and it's worse under pressure. i'm not even comfortable talking on the phone to some people now, i feel like i want to get it over with as soon as possible. argh, i don't know.

the meg thing (and the fact that my cousin came down with meningitis on sunday... he's doing ok now though) has tempered the past weekend somwehat... yesterday at the nottingham open things were going really well, mario came 16th in men's epee, rooban 60th i think, henry came 41st in the sabre and i kicked ass rather impressivley to land 13th place, being knocked out of my second direct elimination round by the same evil lefty who knocked me out of the foil yesterday. i don't think that was fair! if she was a right hander i could have taken her... but yeah, the guilt of neglecting meg yet again is the cloud to my silver lining. plus there's the karina situation, but i don't want to discuss that on here, it's not really fair on her. even though i don't think she's giving me a fair innings either but i can still be chivalrous. i'm just going to wait and see how things go with her. things were picking up until thursday, i had sent her a message and received a fairly neutral reply, and then i don't know what happened, but now she hates me even more than she did before. :(

plus my grandpa is getting worse, narnie's not well and nog came down with bacterial meningitis at the weekend.

joy

11:40 a.m. - 2005-03-07

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