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motives under interrogation

i'm feeling the after-exam slump now... need to get back in gear though as i have this presentation thingy on thursday. not having a great week so far, with exams, and full day tomorrow, and fencing match on wednesday just before presentation day (but i can't let the girlies down, i'm one of our best!) and then the dreaded presentation, and i've upset karina... argh! i really didnt mean to, but what i said came at completely the wrong moment, although i didnt know it at the time. i hope when she's had a bit of time to go home and sort things out she'll talk to me and won't be so cross.

argh, how did it get this late so early?! mind you, i'm feeling the drainedness that only the harold cohen + lack of food + work worries can bring.

speaking of work... i've been thinking about what i'm doing here, about my distinct lack of motivation since christmas and kind of wondering where all my enthusiasm went, if i ever had any to begin with. i'm kind of questioning my motives for starting this course - why did i want to do medicine? the brutally honest answer? i don't know... did i want to study medicine to help people? not really. did i do it because of some family tradition? no. did i start because i've always wanted to be a doctor, right from when i was tiny? no. i decided to think about studying medicine because skinny laura was thinking about it and i couldnt bear to let her get one-up on me. there it is. the awful truth. i have to admit, this clinical stuff is quite fun, but i think my brain has stopped soaking up information the way it used to. i miss the way everything came so easy to me, and i hate it how i can sit there for ages looking at my books and nothing will go in... i can make notes, go through the motions, but it's just not there, and frankly, i dont really care if i remember it or not. i don't care about immunoglobulins, i don't care about the clotting cascade, or the damn cerebral circulation, or the various secretory cells in the stomach, or the role of the the social worker, or why it's unethical to breach confidentiality, i don't care! i miss gradients and regression lines and calculus, i miss curly arrows and covalent bonds, i miss activation energy and catalysts and triangle theory and entropy, i even miss those damn reflexive verbs, and that was almost five years ago... i don't know if this is just a phase, but it got to the point of me looking at the maths and chemistry courses on offer here, got me wondering... i think i need a bit of time to think about the whole thing. after this week we're back on SSMs, then it's the easter holiday, so i'm hoping i can sort my head out by the time we come back.

wow, this entry went off at a tangent i wasnt intending... anyway, suppose i should get some of this work done... but honestly, is there any point?

5:13 p.m. - 2005-02-21

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