Bienvenidos!
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Noli nothis permittere te terere
ok i have this computer and i'm holding onto it... i'm not going out tonight. i spent too much christmas shopping today and i'm not in the mood now, thanks to an email from the SOAB ex in my other email account where i hadn't blocked him (i have now). i posted the email up on my old diary. i only wish i'd kept the other ones he sent, firstly the "i'll never contact you again if that's what you want" and "i hope you and ian work out better than we did" and then the last one before i blocked him saying pretty much the same as the one that's up. oh, and let's not forget the vindictive comments about me he left in my brother's guestbook, of all places... they have since been deleted. it makes me wonder though. i never cheated on him, but i won't deny that i wanted to... first time i met ian, then that time he came for the physics olympics, but i waited. i waited to close one chapter before i started another, and i never lied to anyone. maybe i hid some of what i was really feeling, but i never lied. but he likes to think i did... maybe it makes him feel better, because that's always what it was about, wasn't it? him. and if this is what he's going around saying about me, then did his last girl really cheat on him, or did she just get sick of his whiny immature possesiveness too? maybe he makes all of this up because he can't face sad reality - that he's just a useless emotionally retarded gibbering wreck of an excuse for a human being with no regard for anyone's feelings but his own and a personality that only POND SCUM would find interesting!
GAH!!
the only reason i went round on that tuesday was because he made me feel guilty for spending my time at my party hanging round with my friends and not him, some guy i hardly knew and certainly didnt fancy! i felt sorry for him, that's how it all started! man i had doubts all the way through that mis-spent 11 months, why the hell didnt i get rid of him sooner?! i had sooo many opportunities and sooo many reasons... no wonder i wasn't upset when i left for uni. i kinda knew it was over by then anyway. hell i knew it was over two weeks before i left, probably even before then. i just don't know why i didnt end it there and then... stupid weak minded fool. maybe it was just because it was easier on me to do it while there was several hours and about a hundred miles between us... yes i am that cowardly. ah well. no skin off my nose... i hardly even felt anything after i'd told him it was over, just a kind of blank sense of.. well relief, really.
oh, why am i rambling on about that putrid excuse for a male... i dunno, lets get onto happier topics...
like... home! going home tomorrow, and i can't wait! i still havent packed anything though so i'll do that after i've finished on here. ian's on but i don't really know what to talk about. my mind kind of goes blank whenever i want to say something worth taking notice of... hum... its terrible trying to hold a conversation in person too - if i'm not careful i reckon i'd completely lose track of what he was saying and just sit there with a goofy grin on my face... hmm.
meh why has the 'net become so inexplicably boring? i only come on here now to update this (boring) diary and talk to people... half my friends are never on when i am cos they don't have the internet in their rooms and never seem to be in the pc room at the same time as me. i do talk to mum a lot though.
bah this entry is becoming a bigger pile of Spucatum tauri than usual. i think i'll leave it here.
bye y'all
7:54 p.m. - 2003-12-18
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