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20/05/20

Today has been a slog.
I mentioned before that E has trouble sleeping and the last two nights have been bad. Last night was the worst. He was awake until half past twelve. After being in bed by quarter to eight. And he was getting more and more worked up and more anxious about the fact that he couldn't go to sleep. Normally this has me on edge and angry but last night I just felt very resigned to it all - the traipsing back upstairs every fifteen to twenty minutes to reassure him. Then at around eleven G woke up as well, and was wide awake. I called it quits at half past and went upstairs to go to bed. E started hitching and wailing. M went upstairs with a face of thunder and stood glaring at him. That's usually what I end up doing, to my shame. But last night I gave him a big hug. I held his tight, anxious little body in my arms until he calmed down. I do not understand what keeps him from sleeping when he's clearly tired. I don't know why he lies there thinking of terrible What Ifs and I don't know how to coach him out of it. I went to bed but G was still awake and calling for someone to go to him so M gave up at half twelve and went to sleep in their room.
I made myself get up just after half seven this morning (could so easily have stayed in bed until 9..) and got both the boys up. I told them we were going out. We were at the park before 8. I told E to run a lap of the first field and then we all went and ran around the other playing field, and all around the chained-up play equipment. I was very grumpy when we arrived at the park but running around the grass and hearing the joyful birdsong cleared my head and I felt much better by the time we headed home. When we got in I told E we were going to do the PE with Joe workout before breakfast.
I had them doing home school between breakfast and lunch, they played outside after lunch, then M took them to the grass by the leisure centre before tea to play football. I have not let them stop today and thankfully, it worked - E asleep by eight forty, which is almost a record for him.
I just don't know if I'll be able to keep doing that every day.

9:03 p.m. - 2020-05-20

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