Bienvenidos!
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lots and lots of whining
the last entry sucked. i'm starting again.
it's a lot later than i wanted to be on the computer. not entirely my fault - i was happily updating things and checking emails and being annoyed that the new rankings havent gone up yet, but then joe came home and started showing me stuff so that took up time. but i'm here now. weird mood that i was going to write about has dissipated slightly, but what was on my mind possibly would do better in my lockable journal and not the online one. it's strange, a journal is supposed to be frank, true to yourself, yet i still guard on here. it's not like a real journal where you can pour everything out because no-one is going to read it but yourself - i still worry about what people will think when.. if they read some of the stuff that goes on in my head. it's probably better to just keep that quiet.
had a fun weekend, went north of the border with the guys for the glasgow open, stayed in a travel inn and didnt get nearly enough sleep. stupid alarm on mario's phone... it was the first lot of fencing i've done since getting the mumps, so i wasnt expecting great things. i did ok though. both days i was doing well in the first pool then getting my ass kicked in the second one, but meh. to say i missed about six training sessions and the birmingham international, i was fencing fairly decently. got knocked out on sunday too late to go for the plate, so i just got changed and watched mario beat some cocky striped git. was sweeeeeet. much better than the men's foil final. that was frankly boring. but mario's match... they were pretty even for most of it, and i was half hiding behind my hands, then it was 8 all, and he got the last two hits and it was just fantastic... great stuff. i got a really great wrist hit on mario in the secondary epee pool... it was actually an accident but shhh!
ok i'm going to stop talking about fencing now and address the area i always hate... feelings... i think it might just be fatigue but ER kind of annoyed me today. not with the show, just for coupling up characters and for making me wish my course was as fun as the actors made their fake course look, and for wishing real doctors were like the new surgeon character they've brought in, and that real med students were like the one that abby is now with... havent had a crush on an actor for so long, and i dont want one now. i'm also getting a crush on someone real and i dont want that either, it just makes life far too complicated. feelings in general make life complicated. i'd be happy just floating through life, only getting psyched up when i'm on the piste or something, not having to get upset or worked up or have that lurching at the pit of my stomach... and now ian is talking about some girl he likes and i'm actually giving him advice??? argh i feel worse now than i did after ER... shaky... why do i hate talking about things like this? actually i probably know why... its because when you bear your heart to someone, no matter how much you think it's going to be ok, they end up bruising it. again. so next time you guard, and it hurts just as much. you know, i always thought, or hoped, that i wouldnt turn into one of those sissy saps who whine about love or lust or the lack thereof, but here i am, whining again. it's the lateness and because i'm tired and because things have been kinda crap lately. they're picking up now tho so hopefully so will i. but until then, i think i'm going to go to bed and sleep off this bad mood.
night.
12:59 a.m. - 2005-04-05
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other diaries: joethebrave |