Bienvenidos!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

are you there?

are you there?
i'm sorry, i've been bad.
i've thought bad things about what i should say to you.
i've felt angry a lot.
i dont know where the anger comes from.
it isnt fair on you, you dont deserve it.
but sometimes in my head i think you do.
i dream about you.
in my dream, everything is good
i can see you, i can touch you, sometimes i can even smell you.
then i wake up and forget how you smell.
i used to remember.
and i feel sad that things arent like the dreams.
and i want them to be
but sometimes i cant even hope anymore.
because i dont see anything that gives me hope.
so then i wish i could forget about you
and go back to how it was before, when it didnt matter
if you spoke to me or not, when i didnt dream about you.
but then i wonder if it is you at all,
or if it's all in my head.
am i seeing something in the mist?
or is there nothing to see?
nothing but the phantoms of a lonely mind.

and then sometimes when i get cross and upset
i feel like i should punish you for it
(even though really i'm only cross in myself)
so i kiss someone,
but you dont know.
would it hurt you to know?
would you even care?
would it hurt more if you knew they were different from you?
that they were like me?
if it hurts, would you forgive me?
and if it doesnt, what then?

i thought i loved you once.
i almost told you.
would it have made a difference if i had?
or would you have just absorbed the words and
made no sign they mattered to you at all

i dont understand why i feel so affected by you
i feel foolish, trying to describe my thoughts.
i feel like it doesnt matter,
that there are more important things in the world
than a silly
teenage
infatuation.
and of course, it doesnt matter.
not one whit.
no one cares
and nor should they.
i am whining.
obsessing.
being selfish, and paranoid, and all the things i hate.

but the fact still remains.
i miss you.
do you care?

11:10 p.m. - 2004-06-30

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------