Bienvenidos!

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Introspection

Bored. Would like to write a decent entry, but probably won't. Joe's friends coming round later. Why can't my friends live in walking distance? Again forgot to bring my trainers home from Liverpool, so exercise has been walking. Even when I have nowhere to go, just to get out of the house. Finished The Shining last night. Have nothing to read again now. Been thinking a lot about the future. How this year is going to be hard, and I'm not sure if I can handle it. I don't want to fall at the last hurdle. Was thinking about intercalating, maybe anat & phys, just to get it down before I go into fifth year. But if it's an MSc, what do I do it on? I have not one original question in my head. I should have worked harder in first year. And intercalating would mean another year living on a student budget, worrying about overdrafts, more tuition fees... I worry that I'm too lazy to be a real student. Someone has to realise this at some point. Also thinking about big things, important things; things I don't want to say or write and hardly dare think because that would almost make it tangible and if it's there it can be taken away. But I don't want it to be a fantasy forever. I crave it, yearn for it, but I know I can't have it yet, and mustn't speak about it. And I worry further - what happens then? What if it's half over already? I couldn't bear that. I keep telling myself to think in the now, even though now is always then and what's to come becomes.

What monsters lurk in the deepest shadows of my thoughts

5:19 p.m. - 2006-08-17

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