Bienvenidos!
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dear meg
dear meg,
first of all thank you. second, i think i owe it to you to be honest back. i hope it doesnt sound too much like i'm making excuses.
sometimes it does feel like you don't need me. after all, your life is here in nottingham but mine is split and i feel torn between the two. and it is true what i said; i have no other friends in nottingham who i would feel comfortable with at short notice. as you pointed out to me last year, i screwed up upper sixth pretty badly what with my dick of an ex and the glandular fever and me just being a really lousy friend, so i didnt really expand my circle that much. i havent seen martyn in two years so i feel it would be rude just to call up like it was year eleven again. sarah laycock is on holiday, but even so, she has her own friends too. and for me, that's pretty much it. i'm insecure and paranoid, i admit it. i feel like people don't want to spend time in my company because i'm uninteresting, and that turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy. i know you invited me to twelfth night, but i think you went on joe's birthday. and yes, its true that you did most of the inviting, for which i am grateful, but maybe i should explain why i'm hesitant to invite you back. a lot of the time, our house is such a mess and i feel embarrassed. also, there isnt really much to do here and i dont want you to come and be bored. and as i can't legally drive yet, i can't take you places like you do me, and i always feel a little guilty that you do all the running around. and then there's the way we work... i don't really know how to explain it but sometimes i feel like i can't stick up for myself around you. i know its just the way you are and the way we've been since i've known you but usually i had someone to bounce your sarkyness off and now i feel like i can't deflect it as well. i dont want to offend you by saying that, i didnt really explain it very well but it's difficult to put into words.
you're right, i dont enjoy going into hucknall very much, for some reason i can't relax, but also i feel stupid when i go out with you because you're always so composed and you look at me funny. i like to prat about, and i can't really do going out like you do, it's not me. i suppose that part of me sort of changed at uni. it's not that important. i should tell you something else, since i'm being open here, but i'd rather tell you that in person. another reason i dont really like doing hucknall is that i get the impression hannah, sarah and charlotte would rather i wasnt there. i dont know if you still go into hucknall with them a lot. maybe that's just me being paranoid again, but i always feel like they're looking down their noses at me.
oh, this really isnt going the way i wanted it to.
i'm sorry you feel like i leave you out. perhaps i do, and i'm sorry for that. but you have such a base of friends here that sometimes it feels like you don't need my company any more.
it feels like nobody needs me to be honest - everyone else has friends, wherever they are, and they're quite happy living their lives while i sit here stewing feeling simultaneously left out and selfish and angry at everyone. at em and kate for going off to milford and leaving me and earning more than i do, at work for giving me more shifts than i wanted so i can't go and see people, and for putting my wages back down again, at ian for being in birmingham and being uncommunicative, at my brother for having friends around so much, and for breaking up with amy so it's awkward for me to still want to be friends with her, and at myself for being so cross with everyone else.
i feel cooped up, i want to go out and be outrageous, flamboyant, ambiguous, flirtatious... i want to get back at ian for not being around even though it's not his fault and it makes me the bad person.
i'm sorry meg, this reply has hardly said anything i wanted it to, all its done is make me more annoyed at myself. i'll have another think and try again soon.
thanks, though. i appreciate you giving me a kick up the ass, i do need to stop wallowing.
~ kirsty
xxx
11:01 p.m. - 2004-07-28
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